Most people consider the market an odd amalgamation of charts, tables, and speculation by stuffy, rich assholes. A recent investigation by the activist proved otherwise. "The Market" is actually a lonely drunk holed up in a Newark apartment named Maynard Whiffelsky, though he prefers to be addressed as "Mr. Market."

the activist: So, you like being called Mr. Market, huh?

Mr. Market: Yeah. The boys on Wall Street bought me one of those satin sashes with my name on it to drape across my chest, which was nice at first, but then it started to chafe.

a: So Mr. Market what do you know?

MM: Not much of anything really.

a: How big is your penis?

MM: To answer that question you must ask how big is the sky.

a: so, I see you have a bottle of Jack Daniels there.

MM: I can quit anytime I want.

a: Is your drinking related to your unpredictable ups and downs?

MM: No. I can quit anytime I want.

a: So you just randomly decide whether or not you’re in a bear or bull mood?

MM: Not exactly.

a: What do you mean?

MM: It’s Cricket, man. I just love her.

a: You mean that British sport with bats?

MM: No!! Cricket Blair on The Young and the Restless. She’s such a breathtaking vision of femininity. That blond hair, those eyes, that lightly tanned skin. I just, I want to, oh man, I just want to....ooh look, the market’s goin’ up!

a: Could you keep that to yourself?

MM: Hey, if it’s determining the Dow Jones, why not let you know about it?

a: The stock market is an index of your sex drive?

MM: That whole internet stock rise was from that sex scene with Danny in December. But it’s more than just sex. I love Cricket, but it’s really the whole show. For instance, I fucking hate Michael Damian, and when he started being so popular, well, that was Black Monday right there. BAM! Lost 508 points in one day.

a: But it’s all just your reaction to The Young and the Restless?

MM: Yeah, pretty much, although I’m getting into Felicity too. And sometimes if I take a really good shit.....

a: What do you want to do when you stop being "Mr. Market?"

MM: I’m planning on going to cosmetology school if I can get a scholarship. Alan Greenspan said he’d give me a recommendation after I did a really good job on his mascara.